The Things I Really
by Safire Lupe
Summary: //The loneliness, the pain, the death of my best friends, Risa' s breakdown...Those things I never really mourned about were the reasons why it was so hard to let go.// How is it to move on? SatoRisa; character death; oneshot, w/ chap1 as an overview.
1. Overview

**OVERVIEW**

(read, cause I told you to.)

Yes, yes, yes. I am fully aware to the fact that I've been dormant in regards to writing.

Well, you can't stop life. I'm a college student now, for Christ's sake. All those fast updates, great and colorful teenage topics and inspirations for a plot, and generally long periods of vacancy in a boring day during my _half-assed_ life in high school has long disperse itself into a fleeting memory that's lying somewhere at the back of a black hole I call a brain. Now everyday is another day of mountains over mountains of school papers, another day of burning away my eyebrows over a mathematical problem, or another day of catching up on hours of sleep that I didn't get to fulfill days before. Sometimes, there'd be days when I'm busy doing absolutely nothing; however, I would be too lazy to think of a good plot that would be worth my time. During the course of my first year in college, every time I lay eyes on my laptop's keyboard I'm reminded of the piles of computerized essays and reports that I have to finish, even if they're all due the next few weeks or the following month. There was a time when I avoided using my own computer, hoping that doing so would lessen my already high stress level. The idea was, indeed, generally stupid though, since I'd still open it to work on whatever that report is a day or two before the thing's due. My stress level would then rise to the extremes when I start cramming on my work. But enough of my pitiful attempts to give you a proper excuse on my hiatus, now that I'm finally done with my first year, I think I should start returning to an old hobby of mine. However, after a year of leaving several stories un-updated, I think I should start my return with a one shot or so, just something to get the thrill back. A long duration of plot-bunnies probably made my forget the old ideas I had for my last stories, so maybe starting out small again would help me recover.

Anyway, the anime and characters of the story will still be of **DNAngel**, with the not-so-almost new canon couple **Satoshi Hiwatari** and** Risa Harada** as main cast. Why remain loyal to them? I have no idea. You tell me. For some strange reason, they are always the characters I see whenever a new story pops into my mind. Maybe because I find them truly fit for one another and are always the perfect cast for all my ideas and style, or maybe because I'm tired of waiting for a good read since there hasn't been any proper updates under their names lately (yes, I still check ). So it's by time something new come up, especially if it's with my name beside the title.

Now as an overview, the title is **The Things I Really. **Why? Here's a little story: Once upon a time, I felt a bit lonesome. So to ease the feeble pain, I roam the hidden and forgotten files of my laptop and discovered a not-so-old folder in some of my 17 _My Music_ folders. It was the pianist Yiruma's album and collection. I then randomly click a title and was suddenly "_inspired__"_. Just. Like. That. And so here I am typing down the overview of a new story just so I can explain to the world in a not-so boastful manner that I still have my genius in me despite a large amount of brain degeneration due to college. Basically, the story came up from what I can see and imagine while listening to Yiruma's "The Things I Really." It's quite a mellow song; almost relaxing, however it can hit you where it hurts. The whole concept of the story is in that way. The plot will be on Satoshi's point of view, and it mainly revolves on ideas of moving on from the hurts in life… stuff like that. Overall, the whole story is almost sad and drama-ish, lots of crying and stuff. It's not entirely a romance unlike me previous stories, and it's more of hurt and comfort, but the love is still there in small hints only. The story's best read while listening to the Yiruma playing the song "The Things I Really," or "Indigo," so download it if you don't have his album.

Quite an idea, no? So I hope you would enjoy it. Don't forget to review. This overview is very annoying to write, but I guess it's an important part of my magical comeback. It's also here where I will mention the disclaimer only once throughout the whole story, so prepare for the horrible truth: **I will never, ever, under any circumstances, own DNAngel and its characters, as well as the songs of Yiruma.** Even if I beg, plied, cut my heart out and show it to the world, I will never get the chance to hold the real work under the palm of my hands, for I am merely an ordinary mortal with a creativity level of a extraterrestrial; a mere human who is too lazy to even check the whole of her work for any predictable errors just so she can get a life, so hole themselves up in a corner of her plot-bunny world chanting "Why? Why? WHY???" just to let the world know that _no one is __perfect_.

Enjoy. Seriously.

_Safire Lupe_

You don't have to review for this overview, unless you want to say something, like maybe words of wisdom and inspiration,

comments, violent reactions, requests to strangle me

for disappearing, never updating, or whatever.

Its your choice to push that Review button,

or skip it and start reading.

Prepare to love me.

:-P


	2. The Things I Really

**The Things I Really…**

There are things in the world I really wish it never happened or existed: Krad's one, that vile creature that runs in my blood; another is losing my mother and growing up alone, raised only to hold on to the last warmth in me until I turned cold; then another is me getting adopted by some obsessed lunatic off to grab his hand on a power I never wanted to ascribe anyway. Things like those that aren't common in a social conversation, or even worth to be believed by normal people. Normality, though, is something I do wish would have been granted to someone like me. I am not normal, always have been. I forever questioned my existence in this earth when that one thing I really needed was a proper purpose, yet it seems so better said than done.

By the day my curse was lifted, all the things I really thought I'd never get the chance to do felt like it were already in my palms. I sound ready, but not fully. Those things I really wish never happened followed still in my mind, and it had made scratches in my whole body and left scars all around. However, they were slowly healing, healed by 3 people who opt to accept me as part of a family that I never had the chance to have. Even after 7 years, even after my best friend decided to settle down with his longtime girlfriend, even if some of us quested for our own individual paths, the things that hold us together remain intact.

The thing I really wish though was maybe one day I can settle life the way Daisuke and Riku did. But 14 years of emotional and social silence made it hard for me to keep up with the new light after Krad and Dark disappeared. It was Risa Harada who didn't give up on me, despite her shortcomings she never seem to leave my side.

Risa Harada. One captivating woman who had grown more mature in life, ever since the day Dark left her. Becoming close to her was difficult. We were so different; however it was our differences that made us change our view of the world. The thing I really like about her is her radiance that never seems to disappear. Unlucky events had passed by her life for the past years: the lost of her parents and a break-up from her fiancé (A man who I think never deserves her in the first place). Despite all these, she never wonders long in the darkness. She would cry once in a while, then she'll be fine afterwards. I admire her strength; it's the thing I never had. As long as we were together, it's her power I feel and it gives me light.

For 10 years, I was happy. I had a family. Not by blood, but by the bonds which tied us together. But that thing I really wish for, happiness, somehow shattered like fragile glass.

""""""""""

It happened fast, almost like a split second. Two cars collided, one rainy night. The collision was so hard that it practically destroyed both vehicles. 3 persons died: the driver of the car that was in speed, who was confirmed to be drunk before the course of the accident; and the male driver and his wife of the other car.

On the 6th of March, 2010, after attending a friend's party, Daisuke and Riku Niwa passed away, leaving behind their 2 year old son with Daisuke's parents, and also leaving behind me and Risa. Those bonds which held us as a family shattered into several fine pieces.

All was lost, and we became broken.

I did not cry in the funeral. Almost a lifetime of pain may have numbed my view of death, even if it took away the lives of my two best friends. But I did grieve, grieved so deeply that it somehow turned my aura pitch black and no one else dared to touch me, except for one: Beside me, Risa Harada gripped tighter on my black coat, her cries almost deafening as she resist watching her sister getting buried in a heap of soil. Her wails mixed in with others own sniffles and the cry of little Daichi at the back, looking for his mom and dad. The things I had always thought would help me move on now lie 6 feet under.

I turned her around and held her in my arms as her wails turned to screams of anguish and grief. 5 years ago, her father had died due to a stroke, and 3 years after that her mother followed. Now her sister left her. It almost sounds like death had been following her, and it was slowly breaking her.

She lost her strength, therefore I lost my light. She was alone now, and the thought breaks me as well.

""""""""""

The Harada Mansion still stands tall, yet it's now silent. During nightfall, all other rooms were dim, and dark colored curtains covered the windows. Only one light shines from one window at the second floor. I might never find out what possessed Risa to continue living there. She has never spoken one word to me the past 5 days, making me more worried about her.

The house helps kept me updated about Risa's condition as she dealt with the loss of her sister. It's never a surprise for them if they saw me just walk through the gates without consent or walk about the mansion to fix with Risa's needs. They had grown accustomed to my presence in the house and had even started addressing me like their master; however my sole purpose here is mainly on Risa Harada.

Risa spent all her days in her room. She had grown thin and pale, results of eating less or skipping meals. Her once brilliant brown eyes that used to make everyone share a smile now lost its luster, and dark line underneath gives me a sign that she was always in tears. Sometimes I'd find her seated in a chair, her head leaning on the wall, eyes looking in a far away distance, and her fingers holding a picture of her and Riku, together with Daisuke, Me, and Daichi recently taken days before the accident; if not, she'd be in her bed, curled beneath the sheets and sleeping, or at least pretending to be asleep. From her state of depression I would watch over her, maybe leaning by her door or sitting beside her bed.

Her grief was so intense that anything that reminds her of Riku would make her burst into tears. There was one day when I let Daichi visit her aunt, who, despite being orphaned at a very young age, seems to be a lot better at moving on than Risa. When Risa saw him, she suddenly excused herself to her room, where she locked the door so she could cry alone. It's no surprise. Daichi may look more like Daisuke but he has Riku's eyes and personality.

My heart aches when I look at her. I feel like I'm looking at myself a long, long time ago. Those times when the things I really hated in life where still hunting me down. Now it looks like history wanted to repeat itself, and though it's not on me, I can still feel the pain that was clouding around her.

"""""""""""

The following evening, I visited her as usual. I had learned that she had skipped breakfast and lunch that same day, and I came purely to stop her plan to starve herself to death.

Having the extra key to her room, I entered and found that she was neither on her bed or her chair.

I felt panic slowly rising. Where could she be?

Suddenly, I heard a few snipping sounds from her private bathroom. I can see that it was a bit open and the lights where on. The snipping sounds continue in a slow, rhythmic pace, like the seconds where skipping from the clock. For some reason, I had a bad feeling growing in my mind.

I took a peak from the slight opening. The floor look wet, and there were a few wet, brown strands that stud out from the pure white tiles. I only had a half view of her standing in front of the mirror. She was wrapped only in her towel. She probably just got out of the shower.

The strands of hair on the floor and the snipping sounds didn't make any process in my head until I saw her raise a pair of scissors…

"RISA!" I rushed in, grabbing her wrist and taking away the scissors. I threw it away, far enough from her reach.

"LET ME GO!" She struggled in my grip, "I want to see Riku! Let me go!"

Her hair was almost uneven. A conclusion struck me: They're twins; the only thing that differs in their appearance was their hair. She was looking at the mirror, cutting her long locks to almost the same level of Riku's hair in an attempt to maybe see her face.

"Stop this Risa!" I turned her to face me, my hands gripping on her shoulders. "Cutting your hair to make you look like Riku won't bring her back. You have to accept the fact that she's gone!"

Her legs gave way and she slid down the floor. Her whole body was shaking. I knelt on the floor with her, my hands cupping her face as tears started flowing from her eyes again. Her shaky hands gripped my wrists.

"No…" she shakes her head. She's being denial again. "...no, no, no, no, no…"

"Enough!" I silence her. She was staring wide eye at me.

Then some sort of bullet hit me inside when I look into those eyes. I saw myself within those glassy, chestnut orbs of pure sadness; Me, a child silent at the loss of a mother, not knowing the reason why she left; a young boy lying in his bed, trembling from the cold and holding on to the last bit of warmth; a broken teenager gasping for breath at the monster-like pain in his body, as he tries to reach for something not there; a man looking down at the empty shell of his best friend, that one person who convinced him to continue living; and lastly, I see me, looking down at that one person who taught me to love life as she struggles herself.

"_Risa only cries to move on…" _Riku once told me. _"…maybe by moving on she'll know what there is to change in her. It might take a while, and sometime someone has to talk some sense out of her, but after that she'll then know what she'll do next in life."_

Then I remember Daisuke's words, _"Maybe that's one thing you really need to do sometimes, ne? Hiwatari-kun?"_

All those things I really wish never occurred in my life, but are those things I never shed a tear about. I did not cry when my mother died, or when I was alone, or when I was in so much pain, or when my best friends passed away, or even as I see Risa breaking apart. Those things I never really mourned about were the reasons why it was so hard to let go.

Is it pride? Was I that numb inside? Or is it just me? I might never really understand myself. But I could already feel the tears coming out.

"I'm sorry…" I said through sniffles. Risa just looked at me; probably this is the first time she ever saw me cry.

"…I'm sorry you lost your sister…" I spoke in a soft whisper, soft enough for only her to listen, "…and I can't bring her back, nor anyone else can bring her back. But this is enough, Risa. It's enough. You may have lost your sister but I've lost more than her and Daisuke. Those things… are the things I really wished never happened, but it did, and it broke me… broke me into pieces…"

Her crying had slowed down, and I press my forehead to hers. Never had shedding tears felt so purifying. So I just held her in my arms. I wanted to just feel her and never let go. Maybe this way…

"…Don't let it break you too. You're all I have left."

Maybe this way… I'll figure out the things I really needed the most.

"""""""""""

_- Satoshi Hikari_

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**Fin**

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a/n:

Yep… well it's done. Hope you all enjoyed the 5 min or more of utter drama. Like I said, it's best read while listening to Yiruma's "The Things I Really" just to give out that vibe in the background. Hope you gave that a try. Bad grammar? Yes, I know... don't push it okay! I'm only human! Now I'm tired…so don't forget to review!

_Safire Lupe._


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